I have been reveling in the kindness and creativity of God.
I was not excited for this summer. Like at all. Which was not ok...I'm just being honest with y'all. It was sometime in early June, while sitting across from my awesomely wise and wonderful mentor that I was convicted of how not ok my poor attitude really was.
"Caitlin, when did you make this season so black and white? You have made your mind up for God and left Him no room at all to do something amazing."
Oops. Really big oops.
That was just a month and a half ago, but I feel a world's away from that girl. And not just because my circumstances changed, but because my heart changed.
Heart change. That sounds so cute. Well, let me tell you, sometimes it is not cute. At all. And sometimes it is really painful.
Long story short –and I am aware that this is vague– I felt abandoned by God. Or maybe not totally by God himself, but by His love. Like I'm pretty sure I seriously had this ridiculous thought where I believed that God was still right there next to me, but for whatever reason was withholding his love.
My battle with perfectionism has been an ugly one. I have believed the lie (over and over again) that God will do what I want when I execute my faith perfectly. (Spoiler alert: this is not, in any way, in line with the gospel. At all.) SO...when things weren't exactly as I wanted them to be, obviously it meant that I was doing something wrong and God was punishing me for it. But, since this was more of a slap-on-the-wrist punishment than life-in-prison punishment, I obviously hadn't strayed that far. It was fixable, right?
In case you aren't following, this was a very (emphasis on very) skewed view of God and his love for me.
So the painful part went like this. To get me to a point where I would really take this identity issue seriously, God kind of stripped down my life of many of my normal comforts. And I read this book called Abba's Child that totally made me rethink what it means to be a child of God. To live within GRACE. (I also cried a lot. But, being an avid cryer for many years, this is nothing new.)
Oh. my. goodness. WHY do I so often seem to forget about grace? WHY is it so hard to accept this wonderful gift? Jesus gave all so that I could...forget about His gift and condemn myself on a daily basis?
wait...that doesn't sound right.
SO because I like to ramble and lists do a fairly good job of keeping me in line, here's a list of how Jesus changed my heart and how He is continually working in me:
1. "...for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God..." Caitlin are you listening? All. That's you. Trying to be perfect is a ridiculous effort that will only leave you confused and ready to throw in the towel. Embracing my brokenness without Christ is essential to learning to live within His love.
2. "...give thanks in all circumstances..." Do you know what is super awkward? Saying thank you for the things that are bumming you out. It feels forced and strange and just wrong. And yet, I felt extremely convicted to stop complaining about my situation and thank God for it. He is sovereign...and if I believe that, then I can give thanks in any circumstance. And so I started doing this thing where I wrote out prayers of thankfulness for all the things I had been wishing would change. And God changed my heart. Or rather, He lined my heart up with His and I started to recognize those challenging things as blessings.
3. "These have come so that your faith...may be proved genuine..." The hardships we face are not given to us at random. It's called refinement and it's a beautiful thing.
4. "...never will I leave you..." Bonus: we don't walk through trials alone. Ever. Unlike us, when Jesus says never, he means never.
5. "...for my thoughts are not your thoughts..." I fail at controlling my own life well because I have such a limited view. Whose thoughts should I value more, my extremely limited ones or those of the Creator of the universe? This is too obvious to bother answering.
6. "...I have loved you with an everlasting love..." This summer has been a continual reminder of God's never failing, constant love for us. (For me!) I know that He is constant not just because He has said it, but because I have experienced it firsthand. Even when I am on a roller coaster of faith and trust, God is totally constant. He is right there the whole time lavishing me in love. Nothing has been able to humble me more than experiencing God's love in the midst of my own disobedience. (Note: I am not encouraging you to do whatever you want because God will love you anyways. I am just saying that God's love is not dependent on your perfection. So breathe.) Also, just a thought, but if hardships refine us and make us better people with a bigger capacity to reflect the love of Christ...then isn't that also love that God would allow us to go through those things?
7. "...you have searched me and you know me...you created me in my inmost being..." God's love is not a cookie cutter that he stamps out and hands to each one of us. He knows us to our very core. God has been SO creative in providing for me. He has thought of things that I didn't even know were a possibility. We have nothing to fear when we hand our lives over to God. (Note: Again. I am not saying that we will be without hardship. See #3.)
Three weeks ago I was sitting in church. I had just been hired by said church and was attending my first service there in over a year. (I had attended during college but had spent the past year at the church I grew up in working in the nursery.) The worship band started into one of my favorite songs ever, "One Thing Remains."
Your love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me.
All of a sudden all these things I had been learning came together and crumbled the worries that were consuming me to bits. (One of God's love languages with me is music.) I just felt a huge weight fall off my shoulders and I embraced God's love for me, regardless of my own performance, full on. It's nice. You know what it feels like? Peace.
"Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,
that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days"
Psalm 90:14
