growing up...sort of.

Today I had the morning off, so I decided to visit Kent State and some of the students there. I ran into some of the new freshman from Navigators who proceeded to tell me they had watched my "navimony" from a couple years back. Navimonies were little videos Greg made during my sophomore or junior year  where he asked each person to tell a little bit about how Navs had made an impact in their life. I had forgotten all about these and so I looked mine up on youtube.  I was instantly struck by how young I looked. (Also I laughed for a good bit about my hair poof...gosh.) Then, as I was leaving the student center, I ran into a good friend who I haven't seen in awhile who exclaimed, "You look so old! I almost didn't recognize you."

I really do look a lot older than I did. I'm not sure what happened or when, but when I look in the mirror these days I see a woman instead of a girl. This is not just an outward transformation though...I feel it inside too. My heart is growing up.

This past year and a half has been an adventure to say the least. Relationships, graduation, car accident, moving out for the first time, fundraising...just to cover a few things. I know my life experiences are not unique...this is all normal for a person in their early 20s (except maybe fundraising ha). But as I look over the recent past, I am very aware that things have not been easy. Not to dig too far into my personal life, but God had not sent me sailing smoothly through this time and many of my recent experience have been pretty painful.

But I get it now. I look at my heart and I am amazed, thankful, and still desiring more change. Perhaps the most painful experience of all has been God revealing to me my really ugly ways. All that junk that I can hide from mostly everyone but him. Or the junk that was not hidden and caused pain in the lives of others. I have loved wrong, I have said awful things, I have put myself first. And truthfully, I still do. Isn't that part of the earthly battle? Our stupid flesh.

But God has used the pain, the scars, and the holes in my heart to fill me with Himself. He is making me a thing of beauty. There are days I feel awkward and unlovely, but I am His treasure and He calls me beauty. His perfect patience has given me room to grow up in love and learn how to treat His people more like the treasures they are.

The older I get, the more I know, the more I realize I know nothing at all. One of my constant prayers is that God would continue to teach how to be a woman after His heart. And it's proven to be a slow process (could it possibly be my own stubbornness? ha), but He's doing just that.

"And this is my prayer; that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ - to the glory and praise of God." - Philippians 1:9-11

The Treehouse

I was saving this topic until I had photos, but I don't have photos and that's ok. They are to come. I'm busy ok? (And experiencing occasional camera difficulty)

Last spring as I was contemplating graduation and joining Edge, I was also praying about where God wanted me to live. I was blessed to be able to live with my family all through college. I saved a lot of money and I also had the comfort  and support of a familiar group of people to end each day. I considered staying with my family during this year, but as I prayed, I felt God urging me to take a step out of my comfort zone.  I eventually arrived at the decision to live with Kendra and Sydney, my friends who were also joining Edge, and Molly, my Akron teammate.

As the time drew near for us all to move in together, I prayed that our home would be one of love. Love for each other, and love for each other. I prayed that God would give us the opportunity to open our home to others in ways that would honor him. I also prayed for a teachable and humble heart, knowing that living with roommates would at times be a test and would probably bring to light some sin issues in my own heart.

We now have been living together (all four of us) for a little over a month. We live in a three story town house (The Treehouse) with three bedrooms, a living, kitchen, two bathrooms, a patio and tons of closet-space.  We also live next-door to some of our best friend. We have definitely been blessed.

All that said, our home is not without quirks.  Knowing that our place was provided for by the Lord though, we have made a pact not to complain about its issues. We went as far as to set up a "Negativity Jar"

Tonight Kendra, Sydney and I sat in the living room knitting while Molly read and two girls from Kent came over to do homework. We want others to feel welcome here.  We want our home to be an environment of love.

And I really feel like it is. Our door is open. Our home is yours. Because we know it's not ours. Nothing is ours. That's been a huge blessing of this Edge experience so far...my perspective has changed on the things I have.  Everything is a gift.

I am so so very blessed.

students and pride

So this is our third week on campus. We are still unofficial, but we have students! We spent weeks contacting students and trying to build interest the best we could without being allowed to officially recruit. I am happy to say that last week was our first real Bible study and not only did students come, but they seem committed and excited to be meeting with us.

We have to decided to use a system of books called Designed for Discipleship for our ministry to study.  The books are designed for believers and non-believers alike and ask really simple question that can open up into deep conversation. Last week we talked with the girls about being made in God's image and what that really means for us. I was really encouraged by the questions they asked and how willing they were to open up and go deep with us.

We are still praying for a faculty advisor. Until we have one who is willing to sign the papers for us, we can not apply to become an official campus organization. Essentially this means we cannot recruit on a large scale, hang flyers, rent rooms, etc. We have talked as a staff team about not treating these things that we perceive as walls as actual walls. If we do not believe that God is big enough to move in the hearts of this campus, then what are we doing here?

As far as my own heart, God is working on the P word. Pride. Dangit.

I tell myself so often that I am not prideful. Which is pretty delusional of me.

Ultimately, this ministry is God's. That includes all the work I try to commend myself for, the money I fundraise, and the girls I meet with. It is HIS. So why am I so afraid to look like a fool for God? How will protecting my status further His kingdom? One days when I am too afraid to make funding calls or approach strangers on campus, pride infests my heart. What if they say no? What if they make fun of me? I have been praying prayers for humble boldness in place of my pride.

"And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this is mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints. Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, word may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly as I should." Ephesians 6:18-20

music monday

With tomorrow starting classes at both Akron and Kent, things are pretty busy around here. i definitely don't have enough time to type out a real update, but i do have enough time to leave you with a song.

An old favorite. It's impossible not to at least start tapping your feet to this one and i love the lyrics 

(i also love john mark mcmillan, artsy youtube videos, and plaid) :

we want Your blood flowing inside our body and we want Your wind inside our lungs

...

we just want to love You

...

come let us adore the Son of Glory dressed in love.

____________________________________________________________________________

So to everyone starting their fall semester tomorrow, have a wonderful day back. to everyone else, have a wonderful day.

"this is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it." psalm 118:24

in Love,

Caitlin

yup, this ain't kansas.

summer's end totally took me by surprise. it's funny how summer never really gets the chance to run it's course. every other season is allowed to last as long as it wants, but we always cut summer off with school and work. how lame of us. poor summer.

i am so ok with this though because I LOVE FALL. i can't get enough. leaves crunching under boot-clad feet, sweaters, pumpkins, halloween (candy), cider, hayrides...obviously fall wins. (side note: 12 days until the return of the pumpkin spice latte)

this is the first fall  in 17 years that i'm not going back to school. at least not as a student. i am relieved to be done with the homework, but i am grateful for this opportunity to work with college students and get to spend at least one more year on a college campus.

i love college campuses. they are like little towns that have everything you need, except almost everyone is the same age and trying to figure the whole entire rest of their lives. i have spent the past three days on Akron's campus and let me tell you, i am starting to fall in love with it. Monday after our staff meeting, i was walking back to my car and just praying a prayer of thanks to God for bringing me into ministry at Akron, but also asking God to really harbor in me a love for the campus and the people in it.

That being said, i did not expect to miss Kent this much...but I do. i loved that school. And to think, i never wanted to go there. Kent has my heart. In my four years there God transformed my heart and i will never forget how he used my time at the school to really shape me. Besides that, i love the people, i love the Navs, i loved my classes, i love(d) my professors...i even grew to love that stupid brain statue. Kent is home.

So naturally, i feel a little out of my element, but no fear! i am good with change. With great joy in my heart, i am witnessed God do amazing things with the navigators at Kent. The amazing staff there now numbers, i believe, 11 or 12 (!) with the addition of a couple from Miami and 4 of my dear friends who graduated with me. i would be lying if i said it was easy leaving them, but, for whatever reason, Akron was unmistakably placed in my heart and i am so excited to see what God does through our team this year.

i definitely feel out of my element. i have already been mistaken for a freshman more than once and I'm still getting to know my team. i am happy to say though, we are quickly bonding and i really admire their hearts in spreading the gospel through building relationships on this campus. i am also really thankful for the people at The Chapel and Campus Focus who are excited for us and helping us to get started. What a blessing to see ministries working together!

If you could, please be praying for favor for our team. We are not an official student organization right now which makes it harder to make our presence known. It is exciting working from the ground up, but definitely not easy, so please be praying that we gain official standing on campus, and also that we would have the strength and joy to persevere in out calling. And of course, be praying for the students we encounter, that they will come to know the love of Christ and grower deeper in their relationships with him.

surprises and encouragement

Today I am thankful for a Lord who delights in me. He knows how to love me like no one else.

I love surprises, big or small.  It doesn't matter if I am given the surprise party of the century, or just an unexpected cup of coffee or letter from a friend, I love them all.

Honestly, it's not hard for God to surprise me. I don't know much of anything and most of my plans fall through. I remember when I was 13 I wrote that 21-year-old me would be a married teacher. Well, I am currently 22, single, and a campus missionary with a degree in graphic design, so that tells you how well I can plan my future.

God has surprised me in so many ways over the course of my 22 years of life, but few things have surprised me as much as who He has been using to help fund this new ministry He has given me. Nonbelievers, people who I've never even met, families with very little money themselves.  I am genuinely amazed at who God uses, how he uses them, and the overall generosity of others.

Today, I was feeling a little discouraged in general. I have been hanging around the same percentage for a few weeks and Fall Semester is starting soon, which means I will have less time to spend on fundraising for a little bit. I got home from work today and had two donations in my account from completely unexpected supporters. I felt God whispering into my heart: "Why are you trying to put limits on what you think is possible? Don't you trust me? Don't you know I love you? Have faith!"

God is using others to show me His love, and I feel joy knowing that my supporters will be blessed for their giving. Fundraising is really such a blessing, even on the hard days. I am thankful for a God who has given me this opportunity to build my faith muscle and grow my trust in Him. And I am thankful for a God who knows how to encourage me through surprising reminders of His love.

Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. - Psalm 63:3

why "engraved"?

I have a list of verses in the front of my Bible that are what I guess you could call my "life verses." Just reminders of who God is, who I am, etc. Basically pieces of truth that cut deep into my heart. One of those verses is Isaiah 49:16.

See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me." 

 Ah. Engraved.

I am engraved on the palms of my Lord's hands. This is a simple reminder when I feel like God has forgotten me.

The word engraved is used 10 times in the Bible (NIV) and the word inscribed is used 6. "Engraved" is also used in the telling of God forming the ten commandments and the later part Exodus when the 12 stones are to represent the 12 tribes. In Job 19 the word engraved is used in conjunction with "forever."

Forever.

To engrave something is to make it permanent. Today we used engraving on awards, memorial pieces, gravestones, etc. You don't engrave something unless you want a reminder of it. "See, [Caitlin] I have engraved you on the palms of my hands." Forever. I will not be forgotten.

"Your walls are ever before me..." 

If you think about walls during the time of Isaiah, they were used as a form of protection for a city. My walls, my protection and safety, are ever before the Lord.

What a joy it is to be engraved on the hands of my Father. To be in His constant thought and care. He will never forget me. He doesn't ever want to forget me. I am His and He is mine.

In Love,
Caitlin

Shout for joy, O heavens; rejoice, O earth; burst into song, O mountains! For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones. But Zion said, "The Lord has forsaken m, the Lord has forgotten me." "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See! I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.Your sons hasten back, and those who laid you waste depart from you. Lift up your eyes and look around; all your sons gather and come to you. As surely as I live," declares the Lord, "you will wear them all as ornaments; you will put them on, like a bride..." -Isaiah 49:13-18

__________ friday.

Fiction Friday.

You could also call it "favorite friday" because I'm about to talk about my main man, C.S. Lewis.

I nurtured a deep love for Lewis long before I even knew who he was. I received The Chronicles of Narnia as a young girl and have since read through all of them multiple times. Being young, I pretty much took the series at face value. In my mind they were awesome stories of magical lands, princes, talking animals, and battles where good always overcame evil. In high school I discovered Lewis' more blatantly religious books and I haven't stopped reading since. I could go on for hours about how much I adore the writings of C.S. Lewis, but this is fiction friday after all and I don't want to steal its spotlight.

I recently re-read The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, a book that is classified as fiction, but as many of us know, tells a story much bigger than itself. To this day, I cannot read the chapter telling of Aslan's sacrificial death without a.) bawling and b.) being reminded of my Savior's sacrificial death for my sins. The part that really gets me, is that Aslan gave his life to save one small boy. He ended up saving all of Narnia from the White Witch, but he really was doing it to take the place of Edmund and spare his life.

The power of this book, and the whole series, lies in the fact that it is written as a work of fiction. This story, written for children, has the power to move me to tears and remind me that Jesus was a real man, with real feelings. "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." What happened at the Cross was painful, and not just physically. And He did it for me. He did it for every one of us, but if it were only I needing the saving, He would have still said yes.

And in the end, it is a story of hope, healing, and redemption. The frost melts into a beautiful springtime, creatures are freed from their stony prison to live in joy once again, and most importantly, the King conquers death.

I'll leave you with my favorite passage from the book:

"Oh, children," said the Lion, "I feel my strength coming back to me. Oh, children, catch me if you can!" He stood for a second, his eyes very bright, his limbs quivering, lashing himself with his tail. Then he made a leap high over their heads and landed on the other side of the Table. Laughing, though she didn't know why, Lucy scrambled over it to reach him. Aslan leaped again. A mad chase began. Round and round the hill-top he led them, hopelessly out of their reach, now letting them almost catch his tail, now diving between them, now tossing them in the air with his huge paws and catching them again, and now stopping unexpectedly so that all three of them rolled together in a happy laughing heap of fur and arms and legs. It was such a happy romp as no one has ever expected in Narnia; and whether it was more like playing in a thunderstorm or playing with a kitten Lucy could never make up her mind. And the funny thing was that when all three finally lay together panting in the sun the girls no longer felt in the least tires or hungry or thirsty...

I don't know about you, but I can't help feeling the love.

"are we there yet?"

A father and daughter are on a journey; some sort of long, undefined road trip. This road is not like other roads. It swirls, it bends, some parts are smooth while other parts are rocky and bumpy. The father is sure and steady. He maneuvers the tricky turns perfectly. He drives through the rocks as if the ground were completely level. There is no GPS on the dash...he knows exactly where he's going. The little girl starts off excitedly chatting with her father, ready for the long journey ahead, but soon she grows distracted. the scenery excites her. She wonders why they can't just stop where they are. All the towns they pass seem perfectly livable. Her father encourages her to take time during the trip to rest and she find that the trip is much more enjoyable when she follows his direction. The journey continues as such...as series of ups and downs and all the while the father is loving and patient. Some days are better than others. Some days the daughter is lively and really enjoying sharing this trip with her father, other days all she wants to do is lay down and cry. But the whole time she can't help but wonder, "are we there yet?"

So, maybe a little cheesy, but this is the illustration that flooded my mind tonight. If the father is God and the daughter is me, this picture describes my summer almost perfectly. (if not my whole life)

I would probably describe myself as a spontaneous person. I like to go with the flow. I can handle a minor change in the plan...or maybe i just like to think i can. Because now here I am hearing my planner say one thing and God say another, and I would be lying if I said is didn't stress me out a little bit.

August 19th I am to report to campus, meaning I should be 75% funded and ready to get this ministry started and work with students. Let me do some easy math for you: that is 11 days from now. I am not 75% funded. Nor am I close. 

Earlier this evening I was preparing to make phone calls to set up appointments and check back with possible supporters. I had been fine all day, but the time to make calls was drawing closer and I became instantly sick to my stomach at the thought of having to pick up the phone. (Funding calls are hard. I don't know what it is exactly, but I have found calling people to be the hardest part of fundraising.) Before I could catch myself I heard myself pray silently, "Lord, let me stop. I'm worn out. Please don't make me call anyone tonight." 

The rest of the night was tough and I ended up cutting my phone call time short. It was on the drive home that this illustration came to me suddenly. I recall vacations from when I was young. My parents, in the front, excited to take us somewhere wonderful, and us kids in the back whining "are we there yet???" and wishing we could stop at all the places we see along the road, even though we know the end result is so much better. 

And now, I think of my tired heart and how badly it needs rest. In fact, my silent outburst tonight was a desperate cry for it. I am reminded of the danger of making quiet time a duty rather than taking time to really be with God, to dwell in Him and really let Him speak into your heart. Yes, I need more of that.

But, I also just needed a moment to reevaluate and find contentment where I am.

Some of my EDGE brothers and sisters are between 75 and 100% funded and I rejoice with them, but with those who, like me, are not there yet I also rejoice. Because we're just not "there" yet and that's ok. As long as God is in control, we can be sure that He has us where He wants, where our hearts can grow, and where we can bring Him the most glory.

And when I think about that, I am filled with peace.

"The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and the earth and does not live in temples built by hands. And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything, because he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else.  From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact place they should live. God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him, though he is not far form each one of us. For in him we live and move and have our being. As some of your own poets have said, 'We are his offspring.'" - Acts 17:24-28

10 things: about me

I like to get to know people. And I like to be known.

So if you are like me and you like to know all the little details of a person, you are in luck because I am about to spill the beans. Or maybe just drop a few.

1. I love lists. If I can get away with writing something in list form I will.

2. There are two things I have longed for consistently since I was 15: a saint bernard and a Jeep wrangler. 

3. I probably drink more coffee than you.

4. I probably like Celine Dion more than you.

4a. Unexplained Dion love aside, I have a big time love affair with music. I'm a bit of a jukebox and I'm always looking for new tunes.

5. I graduated from Kent State with a degree in Visual Communication Design (which is fancy for graphic design and illustration), but I've been an artist since I was young. The media doesn't matter, I love it all.

6. I'm a type nerd. I will comment on the fonts around me. Ignore me. 

7. I have been to over 50 concerts in my life. I lost count a long time ago.

8. I'm the least picky eater ever, but grilled cheese is my weakness. 

9.  I collect spoons from the places I travel. I struggled finding one in Colorado, but Denver came through.

10. I come from a larger family who notoriously can't take a decent picture:

the one that started the curse:

Have a blessed day everyone!

In Love,

Caitlin

for (re)starters

*originally posted july 24, 2012

To try to cover the past month or two would take pages...let alone starting from the beginning of this new journey.  But in one not-too-terribly long post I'm going to try to sum this up from the beginning.

For those who I have not told yet, I am a brand new staff member of the Navigators.  I will be working as a EDGE Corps staff member at the University of Akron for the next two years and then who knows after that! EDGE Corps (Evangelism, Discipleship, Growth, Experience) is a one-to-two year commitment to work on staff with a Navigator collegiate ministry and train under an experienced college missionary. ( For more info go here: http://www.edgecorps.org/)

God first placed Akron on my heart the fall of my sophomore year.  I honestly don't know what brought it on. I grew right outside of Akron and I always had a heart for the city, so maybe that was it. All I know is that I felt like God wanted to start a Navs at Akron.  I shared this with my campus leader at Kent, but soon forgot about it.

I spent the next couple years in a strange tug-of-war between who I thought I wanted to be and who I knew God wanted me to be. I made a lot of foolish mistakes, but I also continued to get involved with the Navigators leading growth groups, singing with worship team, etc. The summer after my junior year changed everything. The things in life I was trying desperately to hold onto were torn from my hands and I was left with nothing but God. I decided then and there that I would submit to being fully God's...I would do whatever He asked me to do. 

That fall at Navs retreat God put EDGE on my heart. As the video describing what EDGE Corps was played, I knew instantly that this was what I was supposed to do next.  I didn't share this information right away with anyone. To be honest I was a little scared. My passion was (and partly still is) design and illustration. Part of me wanted a "normal" job in a studio somewhere. A bigger part of me did NOT want to fund raise my salary (more on this later).

By EDGE Preview I had already shared with my campus director that I thought I was being called to campus ministry. It wasn't long after that he told me a couple was possibly planning to move to Akron and start a new ministry on the campus there. 

So long story short I applied, I prayed, I freaked out, I got accepted, I freaked out some more, I said yes, and I was placed at Akron. 

After I graduated this past May I flew with 5 other friends joining EDGE at Kent to Colorado Springs for training. The nine days we spent there with eighty something other EDGEers were some of the best days of my life. I met amazing people, I explored the beautiful Glen, and I grew a new confidence in God and His purposes for my life. 

We came back May 31st and the next day started full-time fundraising. I spent 5 days making calls and setting up appointments, took a 5 day hiatus for Bonnaroo, and then went at it again. But, as I said, thoughts on fundraising later.

So that is the short version. And you are always welcome to ask for the long version or details.

P.S. If you read this blog before, you may notice things have changed. All the old posts are in hiding and I am starting fresh with this new chapter of my life. Thanks for reading! I look forward to updating you and I promise most posts will be shorter :)